A cat I want to meet

I shed my first uncontrollable tears for Smudge last night. Although we had not given up fighting for him, it now seems that Smudge has given up fighting for Smudge. We had hoped that the encouraging numbers had indicated that Smudge's renal crash was over. It wasn't. We will try to get his appetite stimulated and start the sub-q fluids without waiting for the surgery. It is now up to Smudge.

C.D. Smith


Being a man, there are somethings that I just find really funny. Not to say that women can't find the same things funny as men do, but I have noticed certain distinct differences bewteen my sense of humour and my wife's. So based on this, let me tell you about a cat I would like to have.

His name is Stinky Pete. Besides the obvious reason why he would be called Stinky Pete, I just think the name rolls off the tongue and inspires a smile whenever you say it.Say it with me: Stinky Pete. Stinky Pete. Stinky Pete. I bet right now you have a smile on your face. It's one of the gifts that Stinky Pete has, he can make anyone smile.

Now, it wouldn't be Stinky Pete's fault that he is stinky. I would have changed his food several times trying to make him less aromatic, but for whatever reason it never would have helped. Also, there would be no underlying serious health issue causing his problem. This is important as I would have to explain this fact to any family or friends who came over for a visit. It also would not be an external smell issue. There would be no dingleberries hanging from his butt or his furry back legs.

I think it would be imperative that Stinky Pete was either a medium haired or long haired cat. People would need to check out his furry bum to see what was the cause of the nasty smell eminating from his body. He couldn't be a single solid colour either. He would definitely have to be at least half white. I see him as either a tabby and white or a grey and white bicoloured cat. The white is important once again to show everyone how meticulous Pete kept his coat looking.

So let's get back to Stinky Pete.

Even as a kitten, Stinky Pete would have issues. He would love to walk along the head of the bed next to our pillows when we went to bed for the night. Without fail, as Pete would waddle past with his little kitten stride, we would hear the faintest little poof of gas coming from his bum. Shortly thereafter, we would be coughing and gasping and laughing with our hands held up to our mouths and noses at the smell that assaulted our senses. We would tell each other that Pete's problem gas would disappear once he grew up and he was off the kitten food.

As Pete grew up, his problem with pooting or fluffing, as we started calling it, would not go away. He would not seem to care one bit. I think he would actually enjoy it. He would make the effort to be the friendliest cat you ever saw. Just so that unsuspecting guest would invite him up onto their laps and provide him the opportunity to really crack one off nearby. Pete would approach people who were sitting down by stretching himself up from the floor with his two front paws on their legs. He would then wave his right paw at them like a dog would who wanted to play "Shake a Paw." Thoroughly entraced by this friendly cat who played "Shake a Paw" just like a dog, the person would give the offered paw a gentle shake, all the while laughing at how funny Pete was. Funny; that was until the smell of one of Pete's poots reached their noses. Soon everyone would comment how Pete would poot, fart, fluff one off as soon as you shook his gently offered paw.

People would not believe that a cat would do that, so they would insist on pulling his paw just to prove that they were right and that everyone else must be delusional.

It would make Pete famous. The song "Smelly Cat" from Friends would be dedicated to him and he would have his picture taken with the entire cast. It would not be like they would be doing anything meaningful anyways. But his fifteen minutes of fame would end when he would appear on the Larry King Show. Larry would insist on seeing Pete's trick instead of taking my word for it. Pete would oblige and rip one right into Larry's face. Unfortunately, Larry King would not survive the encounter as the horrible stench causes him to have a massive coronary on a National television broadcast.

Stinky Pete lives to the ripe, and I do mean ripe, old age of 19 years. We would bury him in the backyard right next to the compost heap with a little tombstone that reads "Stinky Pete, Wanna Pull My Paw?."