Monday, April 12, 2010

My father gave me a mental kick

I talked to my dad tonight. I tried so hard not to get emotional like he had taught me as all men should be. Then he played the out all men have.. "Well, your mother..."

Listen and know this to be a truth, if your father ever says "Well, your mother...", he is trying to express something that is a repressed maleism. I have never told him this, but my father is my protractor, my straight edge, my compass. With him, I have been able to plot every path through my life. Not all have been happy or prosperous, but I have always ended up on the right side of right.

He told me tonight that my mom said that my story in "We are the Kitties, And We Writed You This Book." might be the guidance I and my family needs.

Damn him for being right. Here is the story that reminded me why Magoo was in my life and why I am a better person for knowing him.

Of Memory and Loss

Before I went to sleep, I decided that the next morning I would go and get a pet. I was not sure if it would be a dog or cat or bird or something else. All I knew was that I needed, no, wanted to share my life with another creature that would accept my friendship and affection.

As I slept, I fell into a deep dream.

There before me sat the most beautiful creature, neither male nor female. To either side of this wonderous creature, there were two indentical waterfalls with deep clear pools at their base. From each waterfall, the most crystal blue water cascaded down. I was entranced. Never before had I seen seen such beauty, such serentity.

Wordlessly, the creature motioned for me to come towards the pools at the base of the waterfalls. I noticed that at each pool, there was a small silver cup attached to a fine silver chain.
"Dip thy finger into the pool and taste." the creature said as it gestured to the pool to its left.

I did as instructed. As the clear cool liquid touched my tongue, my stomach clenched with pain and my heart pounded fiercely within my chest. A hollowness rang throughout my being that I feared I would never recover from.

"This is the Pool of Loss." the creature said and then it motioned to the other pool of water. "Dip thy finger into the pool and taste."

Warily, I drew my forefinger through the water of the other pool of water. As my finger touched my tongue, a joy so deep and pure touched my soul. A wave of happiness and wonder drowned the pangs of sorrow and loss the first pool had caused.

"This is the Pool of Memory." the creature said. "If you take one of God's creatures into your heart, you must be prepared to drink from both pools. Do you accept this as your covenant, your bond with one of God's creatures?"

Silently I nodded yes.

"Then drink from each pool." The creature instructed as it motioned towards the silver cups at the sides of the pools."For now they will bear no taste, but in time you will discover how much you have partaken of each."

The very next day, I went and found a kitten at a local pound. It was the smallest one of the litter and it was the one who seemed to need me the most.

I watched it grow and play and I revelled in the smallest joy it brought to me. But then without warning, it was taken from me in a way most sudden and cruel.

Once again I felt the pangs I had felt in my dream when I tasted the waters of the Pool of Loss. Only this time, I thought the pain would never leave. Then, I remembered the taste of the waters from the Pool of Memory. Slowly the pain of Loss began to subside, and was replaced with the joy of Memory.

Now I realized that I had drank more from the Pool of Loss than the Pool of Memory in my dream. But now I knew that the Pool of Memory brought more than enough comfort to offset the pain the Pool of Loss could cause.

I now bear the knowledge that each time I open my heart to one of God's creatures, I drink from the Pool of Memory and the Pool of Loss. How much I partake depends on each creature and that, in the end, the power of Memory is so much more powerful than the power of Loss.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

How we are doing

Before he left us, Magoo gave a final MREOW. The Vet said that it was special. He gave his last breath as his heart stopped to say goodbye to us.

How are we doing?

This song says it all.

Everytime we see his picture we cry...

Friday, April 09, 2010

Heaven has a new Angel

At 8:08pm Mountain Daylight Time, Magoo Smith peacefully passed away while his Mom, Dad and Grandma placed kisses upon his furry head.

Magoo Smith 1996-2010

I was here.
I mattered.
I was loved.
I am eternal.

Magoo is feeling poorly

Magoo is not feeling very well. He collapsed as Grandma was getting his breakfast ready. He has to go see Dr.Nick. We are very worried.

Update: 5:20pm
This morning at 10:00am, my wife and I went to the Vet and met up with Grandma. Magoo was already in the incubator getting oxygen when we arrived. He was clearly in distress. His gums had turned blue which meant he wasn't able to take in enough oxygen on his own. The Vet said that she could not tell whether the problem was with his lungs or with his heart. But the most worrisome thing was that his heartbeat was so faint she could not hear it through her stethoscope. We had two choices: release him to the Bridge then and there or try to stabilize him. We choose to try and stabilize him.

We took him to the Emergency Vet Clinic. They also tried to hear his heart but his breathing was so labored it wasn't possible. They sedated him in hopes that once he relaxed they might be able to figure out what is going wrong. When we left him, he was receiving oxygen in a special cage as his heart and lungs are not doing what they are supposed to.

I made the mistake once before thinking that Smudge was ready to leave for the Bridge. I don't want to do the same thing again, but I am very scared that Magoo will not be with us very much longer. My wife is devastated as Magoo is her baby.

I am a coward as I am praying for Magoo to make the hardest decision ever for us.